Obsession. That is probably the best word for it. Everyone here is obsessed. With lice. With laundry. With mayonnaise and Listerine. With birthdays that are nine months away. And with Easter.
Rather, the Easter Bunny.
This past week has been been a whirlwind. I feel like Dorothy, as she's spinning through the tornado, watching roosters and bicycles whiz by her window while she clings to her bed for safety. Between the continuing lice ordeal (thank you for all the great suggestions!), T-ball, music lessons, school, car repair, an upcoming birthday, backed up laundry, moving, working at the new house, a stomach ache that won't quit, church obligations, homework, a speech on the Aztecs, an upcoming talent show and 18 billion other responsibilities, it's been quite a week.
How do you moms do it? I feel like I'm trying to climb this ladder of achievement. But a strong wind keeps pushing down on me, preventing me from moving up even a single rung. If I could just take one step up, just move up to the "clean laundry" portion of that eternal latter, I might be able to breathe. But (thanks to those nasty lice) there's more laundry than I have time.
Two nights ago as I tucked Mitchell into bed, I felt I should take some inventory. "Hey bud," I asked, as I pulled his Star Wars blanket up under his chin, "how am I doing as a mommy?" He thought for a moment, quiet. "Good," he said. I sensed his hesitation. "Is there something I could do better?" He thought again. "Well," he sighed, "you just have so much wuk (work)."
I sighed. I do have so much work. I want to play more. I want to blow off the rest. But then I do. And I feel stressed by the chaos around me and the weight of pending responsibility. So then I attack my "to-do" list and feel heavy with the weight of my children.
I understood what he needed. "Tomorrow after the girls go to school, you and I will play."
And we did. (Rapunzel is the latest game around here. Mitchell is Flynn Rider, with a vacuum hose attached to his waist as a sword. Jane is Rapunzel, with a blanket clipped on to her back as long hair. And I am the wicked mother. No surprise there!)
But even then. Even playing pretend with the kids, I wasn't fully engaged. My mind was elsewhere, calculating when I would do this, and that, and how much I'd be able to get done before lunch.
It's the eternal struggle, I guess. Managing. Life. Balance. I'm not good at any of it. I feel guilty most nights as I try to fall asleep. I didn't do enough today. I should have done better at this. And at that. Why am I so high strung? Why can't I just relax and be the mother I want to be? The mother I used to be?
I often feel frustrated when I think of Mitchell and Jane. When Megan and Paige were that age, I felt more available. More present. More creative. More patient. And I had hours each afternoon to just read to them. Or do art projects with them. Or go for walks with them. Hours. Do Mitchell and Jane feel ripped off? Do they feel less loved? Do they feel like orphans?
Fine. Orphans is a bit dramatic. But do you know what I mean? Can you relate? I want to give them all of my time. But I'm pulled in so many different directions by every member of this family, it's impossible.
Matt insists its normal. That's just how it goes. But that answer never seems to satisfy me. I want more than just normal. I want the very best. My kids deserve the very best.
Sigh.
My husband tells me to just chip away at my pile a little each day, that not everything has to be done in the next two hours. So that's what I'm trying to do. Maybe I can't spend all afternoon next to Jane with a stack of books. But I can read a few before breakfast. And a few after lunch. And a few before bed. And I can hold her while we shop. And sing to her while we fold laundry. And try to make her laugh while we watch Mitchell play baseball.
And maybe, just maybe, it will make up the difference.
I hope so.
Because more than anything, I don't want my kids to look back and remember a frazzled mother who cared more about cleaning than about them.
Phew. I think that's enough confession for a Wednesday morning.
Now.
On to chipping away...
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11 comments:
I think you're probably actually doing more than most. And you're definitely more creative than the rest of us moms just struggling to get by. Not every week will be filled with extra laundry because of lice and not every month will be filled with the extra stuff that comes with moving. Give yourself a break! I think we're all just chipping away at our long to-do lists. Good luck with yours. :)
I guess you were so busy, you didn't read the memo. The one that announced that if any mother anywhere actually achieved everything on her to-do list, then the world would go into shock, tilt off its axis and cause planet-wide devastation. And so, it is our duty to keep the laundry pile a couple of loads high and a few dirty dishes in the sink. (I've been saving the world week after week for nearly twenty years.It's been a struggle but somebody had to do it.)
No Mitchell and Jane don't get as much of your attention, but Megan and Paige don't get to have two older sisters. It all works out in the end.
I love this post. I make to do lists and then I don't want to do anything on them. But then I feel like a failure when I don't do them. Thanks for making me feel normal. My house is dirty, and I 'm going to take a nap right now. Serious! You are amazing and I want to read more to my kids like you do. It is so healthy!
Oh Becca, the story of my life. I hate to tell you this but it may just get worse, so don't be too hard on yourself now. There is never enough time to do it all, but I think you're getting it. Your kids will not for a second think they had a mother that was anything less than perfect, wonderful,fun,beatiful,a great cook,etc.etc.etc. And if they forget for a second just bring out the blog posts! If Matt could turn out so good, knowing what a crazy mom I was and didn't do half of what you do, then you can relax. You just do the best you can, it all works out. Now get some sleep!
A wise friend recently told me...
"...I think this is just a season in your life (and mine) that will pass. You just sort of have to embrace the craziness and go with the flow. It's okay if the house is messy because what really matters is what you said, that your kids are tucked in and loved."
Right back at ya Cha. Your children will look back at their childhood and see the wonderful mother you are. That will never, ever change.
Hang in there. Xoxo
Beautiful comments. Listen to them. No better words out there.
Change your to-do list to : Eat breakfast. Kiss husband goodbye. Brush hair (own.) Hug children. Read book. Laugh. Sing. Eat supper (not fix supper).
Tuck in kids and kiss goodnight. Say prayers. Thank Heavenly Father for the privilege of the journey.
Then you can check everything off your to-do list!
There's a LIST? Geez, no one told me. That must be why I'm so relaxed and easy - going.
Ummmm. yes this is your sister. Stop that!
Seriously, do away with the list. Everything gets done in time. I mean, you got rid of the cooking channel and HGTV...you've suffered enough.
Now enjoy. I do not look back and take inventory of the things Mom didn't have time to do with us -- you just focus on the fun memories. THAT is what makes the difference.
And laugh...like we did at dinner last night when I showed Mal & Shea your phone photo and asked them to take a guess. Laughter...that's putting it mildly.
I only have 2 kids and even I struggle with the idea of "Does my 2nd get the short end of the stick?" too. On days where I feel really guilty about being so much busier now than I was with just 1 child I tell myself: "It's not about quantity, it's about quality. Because as we all know, a love for a child is endless, so we might as well just make it as wonderful as we can. "
I'm almost positive that your children will only remember the good memories and not the chores or the things that we feel they are missing out on. Kids are amazingly forgiving like that!
All of the comments are great, and I really feel like we've all felt the very same way you feel right now!
But like we know, "this too shall pass."
Take it all in stride. I have three under 5 and I feel like NONE of them get the best Mommy that I want them to have!
....and...amen. It's like I take one step up and fall three steps back. Life is overwhelming. And a never-ending to do list. But you are doing it. One day at a time. And you are making unforgettable memories along the way. and THAT is what matters most. That is what your kids will remember. Trust me, it's what I remember. And I was the LAST of six (you can relate!). Your kids ARE getting the best. The very best. SO proud of you. I will never be able to pick lice from my children's hair (without vomiting). No joke.
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